I drove away from him, leaving behind an elderly man of 88, still living in his own home, smiling and waving back at me.  He is always a bit embarrassed when I give him a hug when I get into my car.  “What will the people say?” he asked while looking at his neighbor’s house with the nosy women.  ” I am just your good friend” I would reply after my weekly visit for an hour at his house.  To him I am a woman without a name, but a woman with a face and a smile and a kind hug and a whole hour of time to listen to his repeated stories every week.

I have met his children and since they left over the waters I have been visiting him over the last 7 months.  He doesn’t know why he sees me every week. He doesn’t know why I am taking his vitals every week or bringing his medication every month.    He calls me a “Nursie” because of my uniform and even if I tell him that I care for older people with dementia, it is of no importance to him.  I am his friend with time only for him!

We are friends and he trusts me.

When I stood with his wallet in my hands, his bank cards, the pin written in the little plastic window, lots of cash….I realized the trust. He is so vulnerable.

I walked out to my car with a sadness in my heart, thinking of so many people with dementia being exploited.

My pain is for a very dear friend of mine of more than 6 years….

I am still not sure if I can tell you the story.

The pain is still so raw.

At first, I was shocked, and I screamed, then I felt like crying, and then I was just nauseous….

She was always a little weird, or should I say eccentric, but it intrigued me, and I decided to stay in her life. It is not the whole truth, though. She came to me bringing her husband along, and we sat in my office at Jura Care. Soon we were just enjoying getting together, and I visited them often in their house over a glass of wine.

Knowing dementia for many years I realized that her husband was sometimes cognitively slightly impaired, but he had such a lovely sense of humor that I enjoyed every visit. Over time he became worse, and she battled to find patience in her to handle her strange husband.

They would joke and giggle wondering who would move into my Jura home, first?

It was him. He stayed a while, too short, and then he passed. He left me and her and Jura with a big dark emptiness even until today.

 

She stayed my friend, and became more dependent on me, but it was ok for me. I promised him to take care of her the day he died in my arms.

She needed a friend all the time. She was ok but depressed, and we went to the doctor and got a bit of help for her.

She enjoyed spending time in my house, as my husband cooked for us, while we sat and enjoyed a glass of wine.  She fell in love with my husband and told me that she was waiting for me to die, and then she will marry him. I shrugged it off, and hugged her, telling her she is going to wait a very long time. I introduced her to my hairdresser, and after that she had a new friend.  She loved the attention of going to her hairdresser once a week.  She enjoyed treating herself on something nice every month, a lotion, a blouse, a bag.

Her heart was so good, and soon she lent a neighbor money for her daughter.  After a huge struggle we succeeded getting the neighbor to pay back her monies. She lent more money to more people. I started worrying a bit, because she will tell everybody how much money she had, that she was so rich, that her husband left her so much money! She started hating the money. Everybody asked her for money. She will say that to me so many times. I realized that she was in trouble.

Sometime later she fell in love with a wine maker after watching him in an interview on her TV. She went to town and bought all his wines in a shop, in the hope that he will realize there is a woman somewhere in the world buying all his wine! She kept on buying his wines every week, waiting for him to wonder about this woman in this town buying all his wines from the shelves. He didn’t come looking for her and she gave up on him.

She started having trouble reading her emails on her laptop, understanding her financials on her phone, and I had to help her every now and then. You must understand this is not easy to just do for another person.  I am involved with Jura Care, hear and see so many bad stories and I cannot afford getting dragged into something. This is sensitive. I felt uncomfortable, because this is a person’s utmost privacy. I suggested a financial advisor, a professional person, to take this away from me. This was my friend, but also a person with signs of incompetence.

I left her in the hands of a professional person, who she also fell in love with, but he handled it with grace and professionalism.

And then she met a man.

Of course she fell in love with him, and fell out of love with her broker, the same way as she fell out of love with my husband and the wine maker…

He became her confidant. He isolated her and she enjoyed the attention, although he was many years younger than her and he was also married with children.  He gave her all the attention she wanted and soon, true to her pattern, she fell in love.

I tried to talk to her, try to ask her just to be careful, just to realize there is no future with this man, but she got upset with me, not wanting her to be loved and happy.  She chased me out of her house, not once. She wanted me in her life, but I was not allowed to say a word about her new friend.  She told me that he is going to help her now, as he took over all her finances. He took over her phone. Her broker was fired. Her other friends were also being bad mouthed by him, and they stopped visiting her, and she stopped visiting them. I was being alienated by this man in her life too.

I am so sad to say, that I left her in his hands. I wish I can say that I did the right thing. I am so angry with myself for letting her go. I am so angry because I work with people with cognitive impairment and I did not see this then to protect her.  Being naive I would like to think that I thought he will also be good to her and see that she is fine and protected.  He took control of her financial situation in total. He took over the role of absolute confidante, trustworthy and loving her, laughing with her, spending weekends away and she trusted him with everything.

She lent him money, lots.  She let him sell her assets; she allowed him.  Did she? Was she aware of all this happenings? Was she aware of signing documents?  Was she aware that she changed her will?  Was she aware……?

She loved him.

After a bit more than a year later, with the bare minimum contact with her, she stood in my office.

She was sobbing. She was screaming and shouting. Her always beautiful hair was dirty and wild as her eyes. She was thin and without shoes.

She drove to me…

I took her in my arms.

I knew….

Between her anger and pain, she tried to tell me about her friend, the man she loves. He is going to leave her! She is going to be alone! In her anger she told me about the money, and now she wants her money back! She told me much more. I only held my friend.  After a while she left and said she promised she was going home.

She didn’t, she followed him.

I spoke to her every day after that, worried about her emotional state.

I can’t share with you all the details that followed yet, but she is fine now. She is safe and she is living at Jura Care, and I see my friend every day. She is picking up weight, and she is loved.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it is happening.

People, men and women with some form of Dementia are so vulnerable.  Do not be so stupid and naive and feeling sorry for yourself, the way I did when she chased me out of her house and her life!  Swallow your ego and be there for your friend, your family member. Protect them from the wolves!